The combat-hardened general was reviewing an elite squadron of paratroopers. "How do you like jumping?" he asked one soldier gruffly.
"I love it, sir," was the reply.
"And you?" asked the general of the next guy in line.
"It's the most exhilarating thing I've ever done, sir."
And so on down the line, until one soldier replied, "I hate it, sir."
"Then why do you jump?" asked the startled officer.
"Because I like being around the kind of men who want to."
"Gee, Mr. Cripps, we'd really like to give you that loan," chirped the bank officer to the rather seedy character, "but your credit rating isn't exactly...uh...superlative. What assurance can you offer that it'll be paid back on schedule?"
"Won't a gentleman's word of honor be sufficient?" he asked, in an injured tone.
"Certainly," she said brightly. "When will you be bringing him in?"
"You must be the worst caddie in the world," said the dejected golfer after a disastrous afternoon on the links.
"I doubts it, sir," replied the caddie. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
Hearing all this praise makes me feel the soul on Judgment Day who rose, looked at words on his tombstone, and remarked, "Either I'm in the wrong hole or someone is a terrible liar."
There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. "What's wrong with her?" asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing.
The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said "When you get home, make sure your wife's back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results".
That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. "What's for dinner?" the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again "What's for dinner?" His wife spins around a bit agitated and says "For the third time, Fried Chicken!!"
The banker Salomon Rothschild was strolling down a crowded street in Vienna when he was jostled by a pickpocket.
"Watch out!" warned his companion.
"That fellow's trying to steal your silk handkerchief."
"So what?" said Rothschild with a shrug. "We all started small."
The problem with chance is that while you're outside looking for a horseshoe or rabbit's foot, you may miss opportunity knocking.
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot
after shot.
The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing
me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I
haven't even met once.We call this arranged marriage.I don't want to
marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a
hell lot of family problems."
The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my
story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter
and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's
father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother
and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems..Gimme a break!!!!"
