The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
A Polish man move to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a laweyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean, what are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I alway before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover.
Wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.
She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."
He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"
She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. And this had Better be good!"
He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me. I showed her to the door . She was so grateful, for all these things, and she thanked me profusely. But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me.......
"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.She went downstairs looking for him. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw tears rolling from his eyes as he sipped his coffee.
"What's the matter with you, my dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us while dating?"
"Yes, I do remember," she replied.
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said, getting a little teary- eyed herself at his fond recollection.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... I would have been released today".
ear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.
Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.
A wealthy businessman forgets his wife's anniversary and boy, she is mad!
"You'd better make up for that this time!" she says, and seeing her chance to gain from it she adds "In fact, tomorrow morning, there better be something sitting out on that driveway that goes from nought to 200 like a rocket! AND it better not be second hand!"
He's now in hospital in a critical condition
Next morning she went out, there was a small package on the driveway - when she opened it she found herself holding a set of brand new bathroom scales!
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
A ceremony where the grocer acquires an account the florist once had.
A ceremony in which a woman gives the best years of her life to the man who made them.
A process whereby love ripens into vengeance.
An investment that pays you dividends if you pay interest.
Oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses.
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A rest period between romances.
The sole cause of divorce.
A trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.
The process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
Is not a word; it is a sentence.
The triumph of imagination over intelligence.
The evil aye.
The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making (in all) two.
The mourning after the knot before...
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
This is the ultimate guide to good food eating for bachelors...
1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
7. EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
18. SALT: It never spoils.
19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.
Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog".
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
