THE LIGHTER SIDE

The combat-hardened general was reviewing an elite squadron of paratroopers. "How do you like jumping?" he asked one soldier gruffly.

"I love it, sir," was the reply.

"And you?" asked the general of the next guy in line.

"It's the most exhilarating thing I've ever done, sir."

And so on down the line, until one soldier replied, "I hate it, sir."

"Then why do you jump?" asked the startled officer.

"Because I like being around the kind of men who want to."

"Gee, Mr. Cripps, we'd really like to give you that loan," chirped the bank officer to the rather seedy character, "but your credit rating isn't exactly...uh...superlative. What assurance can you offer that it'll be paid back on schedule?"

"Won't a gentleman's word of honor be sufficient?" he asked, in an injured tone.

"Certainly," she said brightly. "When will you be bringing him in?"

"You must be the worst caddie in the world," said the dejected golfer after a disastrous afternoon on the links.

"I doubts it, sir," replied the caddie. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

Hearing all this praise makes me feel the soul on Judgment Day who rose, looked at words on his tombstone, and remarked, "Either I'm in the wrong hole or someone is a terrible liar."

There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. "What's wrong with her?" asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing.

The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said "When you get home, make sure your wife's back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results".

That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. "What's for dinner?" the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again "What's for dinner?" His wife spins around a bit agitated and says "For the third time, Fried Chicken!!"

The banker Salomon Rothschild was strolling down a crowded street in Vienna when he was jostled by a pickpocket.

"Watch out!" warned his companion.

"That fellow's trying to steal your silk handkerchief."

"So what?" said Rothschild with a shrug. "We all started small."

The problem with chance is that while you're outside looking for a horseshoe or rabbit's foot, you may miss opportunity knocking.

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot
after shot.


The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing

me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I

haven't even met once.We call this arranged marriage.I don't want to

marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a

hell lot of family problems."



The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my

story.



I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.



"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter

and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's

father-in-law.



My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.



More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother

and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son.



Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.



Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.



And you say you have family problems..Gimme a break!!!!"

Judge: Mr. Corbin, the police report says you've committed six burglaries in one week!

Defendant: That's right, Your Honor- and if everyone worked as hard as I do, this recession would be behind us.

Why is a man like a snowstorm?

Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they write a postcard saying how it went.

The 1st girl writes: M&M's.

Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."

The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup.

Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, "Mmm ... mmm ... good."

3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford

The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads "The best never stop."

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, "What size?" The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes." "Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?" "Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers. The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?" The man replies, "To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go. The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the woman of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies,

"She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "

Listen, would you like to make 50,000?"

The maid asks, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk,

and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "

Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

A long pause and the man asks, "Oops..! Is this 2261-1382

?"

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

A cardiologist was buried in a heartshaped coffin. 1 doctor laughed. when asked why, he said, im just thinking bout my coffin.... Im a GYNECOLOGIST...
laugh.gif

IF you think that the shortest route to a mans heart is thru his stomach....that' s ancient!...that theory had long been gone when.....BJ was discovered!

LADY visits her doctor again.
DOC: you look more sick and exhausted than before. are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?
LADY: what? I thought 3 MALES a day!

A very interesting theory:
MENtal illnes
MENtal breakdown
MENstrual cramps
MENopause... .
ever notice how all of women's problems start with.....MEN

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,...isn ' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh...dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

Year 1: Man goes home, wife gives slippers and dog barks.
Year 2: Man goes home, dog gives slippers and wife barks.
Year 3: At home man and wife barks, slippers hit dog!

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and obey" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.

When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

BISAYA 1 : Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur yan?
BISAYA 2 : Dili Bay!
BISAYA 1 : kay HIPI.
BISAYA 2 : Ayyy...tuntu ka man! kay Father iyan. kita mo gisulat nya man sa likud u, "SAFARI"

Lasing(takot) : may multo sa banyo natin.
Wife : ha?! Bakit?
Lasing : kasi bumubukas yung banyo pag pumapasok ako ng banyo.
Wife : AHA! ikaw pala ang umiihi sa REF natin ha.


ANAK : Itay, ano po ba kaibahan ng CONFIDENT sa CONFIDENTIAL?
ITAY : Anak kita. CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung best friend mong is tikboy, anak ko din...CONFIDENTIAL yan.


MRS 1 : Suko na ako sa Mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago romansahin.
MRS 2 : Mas grabe yung Mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang roromansahin.

MADRE : Ano apelyido mo iho?
SAKRISTAN : Alam nyo na po yon sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
MADRE : Susme! Bayag ang apelyido mo?!!
SAKRISTAN : Sister naman...Rosario po.


PUPIL : Mam, bumubukol po ba ang utot?
TITSER : No! Definitely not! Kasi hangin lang yan. Remember hindi bumubukol ang utot.
PUPIL : Naku patay! Tae na to.


Lumilindol ng malakas noon...
Nagkagulo ang mga tao at nag-panic...
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki..."Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
sumagot ang isang lalaki..."Tanga! akinse pa lang!"


TINDERO : Sir bili na kayo ng kurtina!
ERAP : Sige bibili ako para sa computer ko.
TINDERO : Bakit po para sa computer?
ERAP : Haler!!! May Windows din kaya yun!

From Wife
Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've
been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell... Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't
tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either
you'recheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm
gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Your EX-Wife

---------------------------------

From Husband
Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you
were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life
you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't
get a dime from me. So take care.


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.


Signed,

Rich As Hell and Free!

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is
masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the
feminine gender (''la computer''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later
retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your
paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling... this gets better!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
(''el computer''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the
problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you
could have gotten a better model.

THE WOMEN WON.

"Kung marunong ka lang magluto, 'di sana nakakatipid na tayo ng isanlibong piso isang buwan kaysa kumuha tayo ng tagaluto," reklamo ng asawang lalaki.
"Kung marunong ka lang sa kama, 'di sana nakakatipid na tayo ng dalawanlibo isang buwan kaysa kumuha tayo ng driver," balik ng babae.

"Sigurado ka rin bang gusto mong magpa-castrate?"
tanong ulit ng doktor sa isa pang guwapong pasyente.
"Opo, napag-usapan na namin ito ng misis ko," sagot ng nakangiting guwapong lalaki.
"Sigurado ka talaga ha?"
"Opo, gusto ko ng castration!"
Natuloy ang pagputol ng ari ng lalaki. Kinabukasan, ang misis naman ng lalaki ang tumawag sa ospital.
"Love, okay ba ang circumcision?"
Bumalikwas ang lalaki.
"T*ngina, sabi ko na nga ba, iba ang dinig ko, eh!"

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Englishman brags, "and this morning she couldn't stop telling me how much she adored me."


"Last night I made love to my wife six times," the American replies, "and today she said she could never love another man."


The Filipino remains silent, and the Englishman smugly asks, "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," says the Filipino. "Only once?" the American snorts arrogantly. "And what did she say to you this morning?"









"'Don't stop.'"

China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children
Philippines: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."

Respondent:
Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Pinoy: LET ME TRY!

a married couple died in a car crash... in heaven, wife sees her husband w/ another girl...

wife: "what r u doing w/ that girl?"

husband: "huh! it was only 'til death do us part, right?"

A Filipino man parked his brand-new BMW in front of his office building, ready to show it off to his Filipino colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The filipino immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the Filipino started screaming hysterically as some of his office colleagues reached the scene too. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop
did to it.

When the Filipino finally calmed down from his ranting and raving, the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you Filipino people are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the Filipino. The policeman replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Oh my God!" screamed the Filipino. "My Rolex is gone!"

Husband: Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!
Wife: Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!
Husband: Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!
Wife: Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!

Lying down on the psychiatrist's couch, the young man said to the doctor,
"I wanted to see you because I think I am gay."......

"Oh?" said the doctor. "And what makes you think that?" ......"

Well, my grandfather was gay, and so was my father." ......"

That doesn't mean you're gay," said the psychiatrist. "We don't believe that homosexuality is hereditary." ......"

Maybe not, but my two brothers are also gay." ......"

Really?" said the doctor, intrigued.

"That's right. And so are my two uncles and my cousin, they're all gay!" .....

"That is weird," said the psychiatrist, "Tell me, is there anyone in your family who had sex with women?" .....

"Yes, sir," the young man said. "My sister..."

which part of a man's body has no bone, full of veins, loves pumping and responsible for making LOVE................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
answer:: HEART,

but i like the way you think :;)

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a
concise essay containing the following elements:
1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Sex 4) Mystery
The prize-winner wrote:

"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father
is."

Dress Code: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: -Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. -Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. -Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. _____________________________________________

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

"a man was sentenced just for changing a girl's size"
really,why"
he changed her sized from 36"-28"-36" to 36"-40" -36" !"

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."

The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I’ll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present.

So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head and said, “Lady, this has been done so many times!”

Cousin Elly is the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest
gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked, how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.”

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. “Wonderful!” she replied, “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?”

You looked troubled,” I told my friend, “what’s your problem?”

He replied, “I’m going to be a father.”

“But that’s wonderful,” I said.

“What’s wonderful ? My wife doesn’t know about it yet.”

The Original Version: "If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, she never was.."

The New Versions:

Pessimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back within some time limit, forget her.

Patient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back…

Playful: If you love somebody, Set her free…*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*

Animal-Rights Activist: If you love somebody, Set her free… In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers: If you love somebody, Set her free… Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…

Bill Gates: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

Schwarzenegger’s Fan: If you love somebody, Set her free… SHE’LL BE BACK!

Over Possessive: If you love somebody don’t set her free.

HR Specialist: If you love somebody set her free… By offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.

Psychologist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, her super ego is dominant; If she doesn’t come, back her id is supreme; If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, it’s a nightmare; If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.

Finance Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans; If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, she has brand loyalty; If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new markets.

The sharing of marriage
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"THE TEETH."

Teacher:If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4 then 4+4=?

Student:Mam,it is not fair that u answer the easy ones and leave the hard ones for us!!!!!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One
day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes
full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there.. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side.....You know what?" he asked.

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the f#ck away from me."

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

"How soon can I go home?"

This 80 year old woman was arrested for
shoplifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati,
he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen
the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches
were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6
days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the
punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of
peas."

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. !
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN:...."I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options"

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ...The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's
really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who
this phone belongs to?..."

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office, why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one"?

Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?"

Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to five up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap!

It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I`ve never seen one that short!"

The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right! That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"

"Well we better, were almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the
ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

"WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain."That runway was SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the copilot,"and WIDE too!"

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime" Wife replies,"
No, It means ,"With Idiot For Ever !!!"

During the 'rush hour' at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem.

Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, 'We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.'

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. 'Sorry,' he said, wrong plane.'

Teacher: u know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
A man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Alabama. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in the country. We settle small disagreements like this with the “Three Kick Rule”.
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. After all, how hard could he kick, So, he agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, old man,.. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck…!

70-year-old George went for this annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, i'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when i pee, and turns if off when i'm done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

Thelma exclaimed, "that old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator Again!"

Dear LORD, I go to work everyday and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."God in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power company and the phone bill. Went grocery shopping, came home put away the groceries.
He cleaned out the litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop teh kitchen floor. Ran to school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk.
At 4:30p.m. he started to prepare dinner, while doing the laundry and bathing the kids. After dinner he cleaned the kitchen. About 9p.m. got ready for bed and was expected to make love although he was exhausted he didn't complain.
The next morning he got on his knees and said "LORD" I don't know what I was thinking, I was so wrong to envy my wife. Please, oh please let us change back."My Son, I feel you have learned your lesson and will change you back but you will have to wait 9 months. You got pregnant last night."

On their wedding night, the very naive, blonde virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie, and, with great anticipation, climbed into bed, only to find her new husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked why he was not ready to make love with her, he replied, "Because, Honey, it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she said, "Well that's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
To who did you lend it and for how long?!?

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me.""Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Crap! THAT'S the word!"

A man goes to vegas and he is going to meet some of his friends there for a business meeting.
During his first night, he won a bunch of money at the casino.

He asked the bar tender if he knew of any hookers in town. The bartender gives him this phone number and tells him (you`ve got to call this girl she is really hot). So he called her and told her to meet him in front of this casino.

The bartender was right she is hot.

Hooker: what can i do for you tonight
Guy: I would like a blow job.

Hooker: Ok.. but that will be five hundred dollars.
Guy: FIVE hundred dollars.

Hooker: Before you say anything do you see that cadalac parked right there? i payed cash for that because i give the best head in town.

Guy : ok..( paid her five hundred dollars)

The next night he won more money at the casino and calls the hooker back up. She meets him in front of the same casino and...

Hooker: what can i do for you tonight?
Guy: i just want to fuck you in the ass.

Hooker: ok that will be fifteen hundred dollars
Guy: FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS

Hooker: before you say any thing, do you see that pent house up there? i payed cash for that because ive got the best ass in town.

So the guy pays her fifteen hundred dollars.

The third and final night the guy wins a lot of money at this casino like trippled all of his money feeling real good he calls the hooker up and she meets him in front of the casino and..

Hooker: "what can i do for you tonight?"
Guy: you know im feeling real good tonight and i would like some pussy

Hooker: says ok that will be five thousand dollars
Guy: ( stunningly) FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

Hooker: says before you say anything do you see that casino over there?
Guy: says dont tell me you own the casino too ?

Hooker says ...."NO but if i had a pussy, i would. hehehe!"

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced, and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.

A young business man had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can i help you?" The man answered, ''Yeah, i've come to activate your phone lines." + - !

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. ( Silence........) (That was the end of the discussion.)

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

Every time Gerry and Zeny made love, Gerry insisted on turning the lights off. And so, after twenty years, Zeny decided to turn on the lights and found her husband holding a vibrator.
ZENY: You impotent bastard! How could you have lied to me all these years??
Gerry Looks her straight in the eyes and calmly said: " I can explain the vibrator but you have to explain the KIDS!!!

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I'm going to RUN!!!

The patient denies pregnancy. (And I certainly think he should.)

She does a lot of work around the house. It is kind of localized in the left buttock area.

He was not to lift or drive his car.

For the last 48 hours, the patient was carrying a refrigerator up the stairs. (L-O-O-ONG stairs.)

An ultrasound was ordered on admission of the left foot. (and the patient came back to visit his foot almost evey day.)

Father is currently deceased. (So he may come back???)

She is a small-appearing elderly female. (She only appears small; she's actually 6 foot 2.)

The patient has no temperature today. (Really?? The planet Pluto has a temperature!)

The patient has a questionable cousin with colitis. (Yeah, I have a questionable cousin, too.)

She slid on some oil and her feet flew out from under her, landing on her left arm and back. (Try to picture that!)

She was a restrained driver in the back seat.

The bulldog clamp was removed from the mammary artery and allowed to run for about a minute. (Very active clamp!)

The patient is confused, but the family states that she has been intermittently confused for some time and particularly about...she has been intermittently, intermittently been increasingly confused over the last 3 months. (WHO is confused??)

Excess debris was removed. (And the necessary debris remained.)

He feels just as tired when he goes to bed as when he gets up in the morning.

She complains of no hearing loss. (Well, I don't mind not having a hearing loss.)

(Mothers, you will love this one.) The patient takes care of four children, does not work.

He has one brother and two half-female siblings.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!"

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows: "My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine." "What do you mean my child?" asked the patriarch of the family. What I mean dad is: Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account. Those who used to clean should clean. As for me, I am here just to control your son!

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.

Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like the best is that the customer is always wrong."

Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home,"she said.

"What an example of devotion," Dave replied, "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me."

"Honey," she replied, "if you were gone overnight, and i didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd waiting for you at the front door."

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.

She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My", said the Census taker, "that sure is a big word for a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure. Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

A Polish man move to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a laweyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean, what are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I alway before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover.

Wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.

She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."

He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. And this had Better be good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me. I showed her to the door . She was so grateful, for all these things, and she thanked me profusely. But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me.......

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.She went downstairs looking for him. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw tears rolling from his eyes as he sipped his coffee.

"What's the matter with you, my dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us while dating?"

"Yes, I do remember," she replied.

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said, getting a little teary- eyed herself at his fond recollection.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... I would have been released today".

ear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.

A wealthy businessman forgets his wife's anniversary and boy, she is mad!

"You'd better make up for that this time!" she says, and seeing her chance to gain from it she adds "In fact, tomorrow morning, there better be something sitting out on that driveway that goes from nought to 200 like a rocket! AND it better not be second hand!"

He's now in hospital in a critical condition

Next morning she went out, there was a small package on the driveway - when she opened it she found herself holding a set of brand new bathroom scales!

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

A ceremony where the grocer acquires an account the florist once had.

A ceremony in which a woman gives the best years of her life to the man who made them.

A process whereby love ripens into vengeance.

An investment that pays you dividends if you pay interest.

Oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses.

A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A rest period between romances.

The sole cause of divorce.

A trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

The process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.

Is not a word; it is a sentence.

The triumph of imagination over intelligence.

The evil aye.

The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making (in all) two.

The mourning after the knot before...

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

This is the ultimate guide to good food eating for bachelors...

1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

7. EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

18. SALT: It never spoils.

19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.

Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine .

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of th e feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"),
because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.