70-year-old George went for this annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, i'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when i pee, and turns if off when i'm done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

Thelma exclaimed, "that old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator Again!"

Dear LORD, I go to work everyday and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."God in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power company and the phone bill. Went grocery shopping, came home put away the groceries.
He cleaned out the litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop teh kitchen floor. Ran to school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk.
At 4:30p.m. he started to prepare dinner, while doing the laundry and bathing the kids. After dinner he cleaned the kitchen. About 9p.m. got ready for bed and was expected to make love although he was exhausted he didn't complain.
The next morning he got on his knees and said "LORD" I don't know what I was thinking, I was so wrong to envy my wife. Please, oh please let us change back."My Son, I feel you have learned your lesson and will change you back but you will have to wait 9 months. You got pregnant last night."

On their wedding night, the very naive, blonde virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie, and, with great anticipation, climbed into bed, only to find her new husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked why he was not ready to make love with her, he replied, "Because, Honey, it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she said, "Well that's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
To who did you lend it and for how long?!?

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me.""Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Crap! THAT'S the word!"

A man goes to vegas and he is going to meet some of his friends there for a business meeting.
During his first night, he won a bunch of money at the casino.

He asked the bar tender if he knew of any hookers in town. The bartender gives him this phone number and tells him (you`ve got to call this girl she is really hot). So he called her and told her to meet him in front of this casino.

The bartender was right she is hot.

Hooker: what can i do for you tonight
Guy: I would like a blow job.

Hooker: Ok.. but that will be five hundred dollars.
Guy: FIVE hundred dollars.

Hooker: Before you say anything do you see that cadalac parked right there? i payed cash for that because i give the best head in town.

Guy : ok..( paid her five hundred dollars)

The next night he won more money at the casino and calls the hooker back up. She meets him in front of the same casino and...

Hooker: what can i do for you tonight?
Guy: i just want to fuck you in the ass.

Hooker: ok that will be fifteen hundred dollars
Guy: FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS

Hooker: before you say any thing, do you see that pent house up there? i payed cash for that because ive got the best ass in town.

So the guy pays her fifteen hundred dollars.

The third and final night the guy wins a lot of money at this casino like trippled all of his money feeling real good he calls the hooker up and she meets him in front of the casino and..

Hooker: "what can i do for you tonight?"
Guy: you know im feeling real good tonight and i would like some pussy

Hooker: says ok that will be five thousand dollars
Guy: ( stunningly) FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

Hooker: says before you say anything do you see that casino over there?
Guy: says dont tell me you own the casino too ?

Hooker says ...."NO but if i had a pussy, i would. hehehe!"

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced, and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.

A young business man had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can i help you?"


The man answered,

''Yeah, i've come to activate your phone lines."


+ - !

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.


( Silence........)

(That was the end of the discussion.)


10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

Every time Gerry and Zeny made love, Gerry insisted on turning the lights off. And so, after twenty years, Zeny decided to turn on the lights and found her husband holding a vibrator.
ZENY: You impotent bastard! How could you have lied to me all these years??
Gerry Looks her straight in the eyes and calmly said: " I can explain the vibrator but you have to explain the KIDS!!!

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I'm going to RUN!!!

The patient denies pregnancy. (And I certainly think he should.)

She does a lot of work around the house. It is kind of localized in the left buttock area.

He was not to lift or drive his car.

For the last 48 hours, the patient was carrying a refrigerator up the stairs. (L-O-O-ONG stairs.)

An ultrasound was ordered on admission of the left foot. (and the patient came back to visit his foot almost evey day.)

Father is currently deceased. (So he may come back???)

She is a small-appearing elderly female. (She only appears small; she's actually 6 foot 2.)

The patient has no temperature today. (Really?? The planet Pluto has a temperature!)

The patient has a questionable cousin with colitis. (Yeah, I have a questionable cousin, too.)

She slid on some oil and her feet flew out from under her, landing on her left arm and back. (Try to picture that!)

She was a restrained driver in the back seat.

The bulldog clamp was removed from the mammary artery and allowed to run for about a minute. (Very active clamp!)

The patient is confused, but the family states that she has been intermittently confused for some time and particularly about...she has been intermittently, intermittently been increasingly confused over the last 3 months. (WHO is confused??)

Excess debris was removed. (And the necessary debris remained.)

He feels just as tired when he goes to bed as when he gets up in the morning.

She complains of no hearing loss. (Well, I don't mind not having a hearing loss.)

(Mothers, you will love this one.) The patient takes care of four children, does not work.

He has one brother and two half-female siblings.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!"

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows: "My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine." "What do you mean my child?" asked the patriarch of the family. What I mean dad is: Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account. Those who used to clean should clean. As for me, I am here just to control your son!

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.

Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like the best is that the customer is always wrong."

Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home,"she said.

"What an example of devotion," Dave replied, "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me."

"Honey," she replied, "if you were gone overnight, and i didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd waiting for you at the front door."

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.

She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My", said the Census taker, "that sure is a big word for a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure. Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist."