BISAYA 1 : Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur yan?
BISAYA 2 : Dili Bay!
BISAYA 1 : kay HIPI.
BISAYA 2 : Ayyy...tuntu ka man! kay Father iyan. kita mo gisulat nya man sa likud u, "SAFARI"
Wife : ha?! Bakit?
Lasing : kasi bumubukas yung banyo pag pumapasok ako ng banyo.
Wife : AHA! ikaw pala ang umiihi sa REF natin ha.
ANAK : Itay, ano po ba kaibahan ng CONFIDENT sa CONFIDENTIAL?
ITAY : Anak kita. CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung best friend mong is tikboy, anak ko din...CONFIDENTIAL yan.
MRS 1 : Suko na ako sa Mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago romansahin.
MRS 2 : Mas grabe yung Mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang roromansahin.
SAKRISTAN : Alam nyo na po yon sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
MADRE : Susme! Bayag ang apelyido mo?!!
SAKRISTAN : Sister naman...Rosario po.
PUPIL : Mam, bumubukol po ba ang utot?
TITSER : No! Definitely not! Kasi hangin lang yan. Remember hindi bumubukol ang utot.
PUPIL : Naku patay! Tae na to.
Lumilindol ng malakas noon...
Nagkagulo ang mga tao at nag-panic...
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki..."Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
sumagot ang isang lalaki..."Tanga! akinse pa lang!"
TINDERO : Sir bili na kayo ng kurtina!
ERAP : Sige bibili ako para sa computer ko.
TINDERO : Bakit po para sa computer?
ERAP : Haler!!! May Windows din kaya yun!
From Wife
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've
been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell... Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't
tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either
you'recheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm
gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
---------------------------------
From Husband
Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you
were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life
you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't
get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed,
Rich As Hell and Free!
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is
masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the
feminine gender (''la computer''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later
retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling... this gets better!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
(''el computer''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the
problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you
could have gotten a better model.
THE WOMEN WON.
"Kung marunong ka lang magluto, 'di sana nakakatipid na tayo ng isanlibong piso isang buwan kaysa kumuha tayo ng tagaluto," reklamo ng asawang lalaki.
"Kung marunong ka lang sa kama, 'di sana nakakatipid na tayo ng dalawanlibo isang buwan kaysa kumuha tayo ng driver," balik ng babae.
"Sigurado ka rin bang gusto mong magpa-castrate?"
tanong ulit ng doktor sa isa pang guwapong pasyente.
"Opo, napag-usapan na namin ito ng misis ko," sagot ng nakangiting guwapong lalaki.
"Sigurado ka talaga ha?"
"Opo, gusto ko ng castration!"
Natuloy ang pagputol ng ari ng lalaki. Kinabukasan, ang misis naman ng lalaki ang tumawag sa ospital.
"Love, okay ba ang circumcision?"
Bumalikwas ang lalaki.
"T*ngina, sabi ko na nga ba, iba ang dinig ko, eh!"
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Englishman brags, "and this morning she couldn't stop telling me how much she adored me."
"Last night I made love to my wife six times," the American replies, "and today she said she could never love another man."
The Filipino remains silent, and the Englishman smugly asks, "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," says the Filipino. "Only once?" the American snorts arrogantly. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"'Don't stop.'"
China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children
Philippines: STOP AT 4 A.M.!
A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."
Respondent:
Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Pinoy: LET ME TRY!
a married couple died in a car crash... in heaven, wife sees her husband w/ another girl...
wife: "what r u doing w/ that girl?"
husband: "huh! it was only 'til death do us part, right?"
A Filipino man parked his brand-new BMW in front of his office building, ready to show it off to his Filipino colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The filipino immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the Filipino started screaming hysterically as some of his office colleagues reached the scene too. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop
did to it.
When the Filipino finally calmed down from his ranting and raving, the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you Filipino people are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the Filipino. The policeman replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Oh my God!" screamed the Filipino. "My Rolex is gone!"
Husband: Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!
Wife: Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!
Husband: Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!
Wife: Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!
Lying down on the psychiatrist's couch, the young man said to the doctor,
"I wanted to see you because I think I am gay."......
"Oh?" said the doctor. "And what makes you think that?" ......"
Well, my grandfather was gay, and so was my father." ......"
That doesn't mean you're gay," said the psychiatrist. "We don't believe that homosexuality is hereditary." ......"
Maybe not, but my two brothers are also gay." ......"
Really?" said the doctor, intrigued.
"That's right. And so are my two uncles and my cousin, they're all gay!" .....
"That is weird," said the psychiatrist, "Tell me, is there anyone in your family who had sex with women?" .....
"Yes, sir," the young man said. "My sister..."
which part of a man's body has no bone, full of veins, loves pumping and responsible for making LOVE................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
answer:: HEART,
but i like the way you think :;)
An English university creative writing class was asked to write a
concise essay containing the following elements:
1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Sex 4) Mystery
The prize-winner wrote:
"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father
is."
Dress Code: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: -Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. -Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. -Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. _____________________________________________
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
"a man was sentenced just for changing a girl's size"
really,why"
he changed her sized from 36"-28"-36" to 36"-40" -36" !"
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I’ll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present.
So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head and said, “Lady, this has been done so many times!”
Cousin Elly is the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest
gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked, how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.”
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. “Wonderful!” she replied, “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?”
You looked troubled,” I told my friend, “what’s your problem?”
He replied, “I’m going to be a father.”
“But that’s wonderful,” I said.
“What’s wonderful ? My wife doesn’t know about it yet.”
The Original Version: "If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, she never was.."
The New Versions:
Pessimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.
Optimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… Don’t worry, she will come back.
Suspicious: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back within some time limit, forget her.
Patient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back…
Playful: If you love somebody, Set her free…*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*
Animal-Rights Activist: If you love somebody, Set her free… In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers: If you love somebody, Set her free… Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…
Bill Gates: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.
Schwarzenegger’s Fan: If you love somebody, Set her free… SHE’LL BE BACK!
Over Possessive: If you love somebody don’t set her free.
HR Specialist: If you love somebody set her free… By offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.
Psychologist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, her super ego is dominant; If she doesn’t come, back her id is supreme; If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.
Somnabulist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, it’s a nightmare; If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.
Finance Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans; If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, she has brand loyalty; If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new markets.
The sharing of marriage
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"THE TEETH."
Teacher:If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4 then 4+4=?
Student:Mam,it is not fair that u answer the easy ones and leave the hard ones for us!!!!!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One
day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes
full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there.. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side.....You know what?" he asked.
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the f#ck away from me."
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"
