At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
A cardiologist was buried in a heartshaped coffin. 1 doctor laughed. when asked why, he said, im just thinking bout my coffin.... Im a GYNECOLOGIST...
laugh.gif
IF you think that the shortest route to a mans heart is thru his stomach....that' s ancient!...that theory had long been gone when.....BJ was discovered!
LADY visits her doctor again.
DOC: you look more sick and exhausted than before. are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?
LADY: what? I thought 3 MALES a day!
A very interesting theory:
MENtal illnes
MENtal breakdown
MENstrual cramps
MENopause... .
ever notice how all of women's problems start with.....MEN
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.
Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,...isn ' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh...dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
Year 1: Man goes home, wife gives slippers and dog barks.
Year 2: Man goes home, dog gives slippers and wife barks.
Year 3: At home man and wife barks, slippers hit dog!
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and obey" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
BISAYA 1 : Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur yan?
BISAYA 2 : Dili Bay!
BISAYA 1 : kay HIPI.
BISAYA 2 : Ayyy...tuntu ka man! kay Father iyan. kita mo gisulat nya man sa likud u, "SAFARI"
Wife : ha?! Bakit?
Lasing : kasi bumubukas yung banyo pag pumapasok ako ng banyo.
Wife : AHA! ikaw pala ang umiihi sa REF natin ha.
ANAK : Itay, ano po ba kaibahan ng CONFIDENT sa CONFIDENTIAL?
ITAY : Anak kita. CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung best friend mong is tikboy, anak ko din...CONFIDENTIAL yan.
MRS 1 : Suko na ako sa Mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago romansahin.
MRS 2 : Mas grabe yung Mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang roromansahin.
SAKRISTAN : Alam nyo na po yon sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
MADRE : Susme! Bayag ang apelyido mo?!!
SAKRISTAN : Sister naman...Rosario po.
PUPIL : Mam, bumubukol po ba ang utot?
TITSER : No! Definitely not! Kasi hangin lang yan. Remember hindi bumubukol ang utot.
PUPIL : Naku patay! Tae na to.
Lumilindol ng malakas noon...
Nagkagulo ang mga tao at nag-panic...
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki..."Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
sumagot ang isang lalaki..."Tanga! akinse pa lang!"
TINDERO : Sir bili na kayo ng kurtina!
ERAP : Sige bibili ako para sa computer ko.
TINDERO : Bakit po para sa computer?
ERAP : Haler!!! May Windows din kaya yun!
From Wife
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've
been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell... Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't
tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either
you'recheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm
gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
---------------------------------
From Husband
Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you
were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life
you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't
get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed,
Rich As Hell and Free!
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is
masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the
feminine gender (''la computer''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later
retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling... this gets better!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
(''el computer''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the
problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you
could have gotten a better model.
THE WOMEN WON.
"Kung marunong ka lang magluto, 'di sana nakakatipid na tayo ng isanlibong piso isang buwan kaysa kumuha tayo ng tagaluto," reklamo ng asawang lalaki.
"Kung marunong ka lang sa kama, 'di sana nakakatipid na tayo ng dalawanlibo isang buwan kaysa kumuha tayo ng driver," balik ng babae.
"Sigurado ka rin bang gusto mong magpa-castrate?"
tanong ulit ng doktor sa isa pang guwapong pasyente.
"Opo, napag-usapan na namin ito ng misis ko," sagot ng nakangiting guwapong lalaki.
"Sigurado ka talaga ha?"
"Opo, gusto ko ng castration!"
Natuloy ang pagputol ng ari ng lalaki. Kinabukasan, ang misis naman ng lalaki ang tumawag sa ospital.
"Love, okay ba ang circumcision?"
Bumalikwas ang lalaki.
"T*ngina, sabi ko na nga ba, iba ang dinig ko, eh!"
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Englishman brags, "and this morning she couldn't stop telling me how much she adored me."
"Last night I made love to my wife six times," the American replies, "and today she said she could never love another man."
The Filipino remains silent, and the Englishman smugly asks, "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," says the Filipino. "Only once?" the American snorts arrogantly. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"'Don't stop.'"
China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children
Philippines: STOP AT 4 A.M.!
A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."
Respondent:
Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Pinoy: LET ME TRY!
